So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
