girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
