Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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