I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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