DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
