Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
