So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
