I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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