so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
