I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
