I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
