i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
