i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
