On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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