I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
