and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
