she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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