Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
