i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
