Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
