Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
