Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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