Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Randomize
