I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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