dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
