Girls should come with a carfax report
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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