I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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