we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
