Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize