Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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