Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
