somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
