What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
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Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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