a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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