apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
