there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
