Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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