it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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