I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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