it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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