Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
