well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
