Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
