dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
