I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
