and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
