I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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