oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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