the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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