Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
