I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
