my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
