Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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