Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
