Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
