So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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