just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
