hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
