i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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