I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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