she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
