Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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